Money.

Money.

Money Money Money.

Shit balls. Where did it go?

Pay loan to parents. Take kid to Science World. Pay day care. Eat out a few times. Pay down credit card. Transfer money for end of month strata fees. Parking. And all of a freakin' sudden there's barely any money left. Did I mention we just got paid TODAY?!!?!

Budgets are a necessity. But I don't wanna do it. Waaaaaaa.

Insanity

There are times in parenthood when the love and the devotion and the passion for what you do makes everything worth it. But when you are exhausted and depleted and completely stretched to the limit, as you often will be, you wonder why you are being asked to do this. It is completely overwhelming and requires quantities of patience, understanding, will power and love that none of us really have. It is only because we are required to do this, in fact it is built into our dna, that we somehow are able to keep going when it just seems impossible. People who don't have kids must look at us at times and wonder why we are doing this crazy thing. I don't really know sometimes myself. I love my children and I would not want to have anyone else raising them. Still, I want a damn damn break a little more often. And when I think I cannot go on...then I have to. For hours, days, months before a little break comes. Unrelenting.

A recipe for disaster

1 week of shitty sleep
2 sick children
Planning a move
Purchasing first home
Fasting
A chemical fire nearby
Dirty, messy, clutter-filled home
Out of money

Makes one bitchy, exhausted, and burned out mom who considered taking a train to Portland.

Prayers tonight for more than 4 hours of broken sleep. PLEASE!

Despair

In the depth of winter, I found that there was in me an invincible summer.
~Albert Camus

I am struggling to speak my truth. I am learning to speak it to myself and to my closest companion, but to speak it to the ones who have caused the pain? How can this life be so filled with bitter bitter bitter sweet lessons? With growth that knocks me down so hard I weep and weep and wonder if I can possibly get up? I need to make room for God's Will, for the will of another than Him has been in my heart for too long. The will of demons and heartaches and trauma. I am cuddling up to these creatures who are not so scary and in fact I am feeling relief in despair, in depression. For it is here that I can be free. It is here that I can find my invincible summer.

A good 24

Last Saturday was a wonderful day. Had a peaceful morning with my little girl, then the 3 of us headed out to the city for the day. She napped on the way, there was no rain. We got there and grabbed good coffee then walked to the ocean, then to a park, then sushi, then another park and meeting friends, then the drive home and another nap for both of us. Made granola, puttered around, simple dinner and baby to bed, then a movie night with my husband. Glorious.

Thoughts

We need to learn how to distinguish between our original thoughts and those that are inherited. One easy way is that our own original thoughts rarely need defending, but the inherited ones usually do. I learned this from Jan Phillips, author of Marry Your Muse.

If I can do this, then I can radiate my authentic self into the world. This is important to me.

Lessons

Learning and relearning some life lessons these days. Being happy is a choice and I can happy or miserable anywhere. There are always pros and cons to living somewhere. Self care is so important and actually is more selfless than selfish as it allows me to serve others better.